


Still

by purple_bird123



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Frustration, M/M, SHEITH - Freeform, death of sheith, sheith will live
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-20 15:29:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17025255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purple_bird123/pseuds/purple_bird123
Summary: Keith cupped Shiro's face, causing his distant eyes to peer into his purple eyes. "I don't...who are you..." Keith whispered and brought Shiro's face to his and kissed him.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHlDU7GokIc





	1. Cut

**Author's Note:**

> I noticed I kind of did a Star Wars Thing :) Started the story from the end to the beginning. I have posted my works "Hurts" and "Some People Come Into Your Life for a Season" in this collection. I think it suits it well. There's a fourth part (maybe) lol so keep your eyes open for the last of this.

 “You coming back?” Lance stood up and stretched. The sun was set and the sky was dark. Keith kept his gaze to this horizon, “go on without me Lance…Actually, can you do something for me?”

“Sure.”

Keith didn’t want to look weak in front of Lance. He took a deep breath and help is composure, “if you see Shiro in the halls…”

Lance waited, the silence past for what felt like hours until Keith finally spoke in a small voice, “let him now I’m ready for tomorrow.”

“Okay…” Lance nodded and headed off, leaving Keith alone with Cosmo and black. Keith brought his knees to his chest and cried.

~~~

Cosmo stopped and cocked his head, his ears twitching…listening. “What’s up boy?” Keith held the blade he had always kept on him. Whispers…laughter…footsteps.

Cosmo looked at Keith, he knew they weren’t a threat as Keith released the blade, as Shiro and General Curtis turned the corner and into Keith’s path.

Keith’s stomach went to its throat, he adverted his gaze to the floor and turned around. They saw him, it wasn’t like they could miss him either. But he wanted to avoid them.

He should be happy for them, right? They were spending more time together than Keith would’ve liked…but he thought he was being selfish. He allowed them to hang out, allowed their friendship to blossom into something Keith knew was something more.

After being discharged from the hospital Keith went to find Shiro. He wasn’t a man to be seen apparently for the last few days after the battle on earth. Keith looked in all of Shiro's favorite hiding spots. He found Shiro with Curtis in the little nook in the library. A nook that Keith would spend hours on end studying for exams. Shiro was the one who showed him this spot. It was quiet and secluded by the rows of old dusty books that no one cared to read.

Keith was confused at first, maybe Shiro was just you know finding a book? But the two of them looked at Keith with the same expression in their eyes, it was like they had a secret between the two of them.

Ever since that night, Shiro spent more and more time with Curtis…even slept with him…the night before this night Keith went to go talk to Shiro, ask him if everything was okay, ask him why he had become so distant…was it because of Adam? Was he overly stressed with everything going on? Did he need someone to talk to?

With confident hands Keith entered the security pin on Shiro’s door, a pin he would remember forever…a pin he wish he never knew…he opened the door to be caught off guard. Like a virgin, Keith stood there shocked, stood there almost scared, and terrified of what he was seeing.

Keith wanted to scream to run over and pull the two of them apart. To call it a disgrace to Adam’s memory…a disgrace to their friendship…a slap to the face after Keith poured his heart open to Shiro…did he not hear him say he loved him? Did he not see everything he did for Shiro?

Keith stood there as Shiro looked up, sweat beaded down his forehead, his dog tags going silent against his skin. Curtis swore and pushed Shiro off him and ordered Keith to get out, and Keith did. He ran out, he ran until he couldn’t catch his breath, he ran until his legs gave in and he fell to the ground and sobbed. His world crushed.

He wanted to run now…and he was tempted but stopped himself when Shiro called out to him. The hallway was silent. Keith stood still, his feet planted and refused to move. Cussing to himself he tried to run but he couldn’t move…

“Keith.” Shiro said again as Keith stopped himself from cussing to himself, silence.

“Lance talked to me, said you wanted to talk?”

Keith shook his head, “Lance lied.” Keith let out an ugly laugh, “I don’t want to talk to you.” Keith listened to Curtis’s footsteps fade as he left the two of them alone.

“Keith, if this is about the other night…”

“No Shiro!” Keith turned around, “this isn’t just about the other night! This isn’t about the fact that I saw you fucking Curtis!”

Keith could see Shiro’s eyes dart around to make sure no one heard. Keith didn’t care, he wanted everyone to know. He wanted everyone to understand his pain that he felt. He didn’t care he made Shiro uncomfortable.

“Then what is it?” His voice was quiet, his eyes staring into Keith.

Keith shook his head, “just don’t talk to me. Let’s go Cosmo.” Keith spun on his heals but Shiro pulled Keith in by his wrist.

Keith fought against the man’s grip, but Shiro kept his grip, “Keith calm down.”

Keith spat at Shiro’s shoes. Shiro let Keith go sending him flying.

“What am I to you Shiro!” Keith cried out. Shiro’s eyes looked hurt, but Keith didn’t care. “Who am I to you?” He asked again.

“You’re my friend.” Shiro looked at Keith almost confused. Keith glared, “a friend…Shiro do you know what you mean to me?” His voice was small but it held venom.

“No.”

Keith looked at the man he once loved…maybe still does. “You’re my brother…my friend…I love you.” Keith looked down, in shame. How could he love this man? But he did.

“Keith…”

Keith shook his head and gave a nasty snarl, “you don’t know what love is do you?”

He knew he hurt him, he knew it. But he wasn’t going to stop with the wounds he was causing Shiro to have. He was going to cut him deep, cut him until he bled. Open him up, make him feel the pain that he made Keith feel.

"You don't know. Adam loved you, he was only trying to protect you from death! That's why he didn't want you to go to Kerberos! He loved you so much he didn't want to let you go. But he loved you that much to let you go...He had to...He wanted to see you happy. And me...Shiro...I never wanted to lose you! You meant the world to me! I followed you to death! I was ready to die for you! Shiro...after everyone gave up on you. As you almost gave up on yourself I couldn't! Shiro...do you not know..." Tears slipped. He's cried in front of him many times but this time was different. Keith was ashamed, Keith didn't want Shiro to comfort him. 

"Keith..."

"No! Is that all you can say, 'Keith'. Stop! Don't talk to me Shiro!"

Shiro held onto Keith's forearms and looked him in the eyes, his hands gripped Keith's small wrists, definitely leaving bruises.

"How could you!" Keith cried, "how could you move on so quickly! How could you not be there for me! When I needed you, you weren't around! What is it about Curtis that made you choose him!" Keith was a mess. His eyes spilled with uncontrollable tears. His heart racing, and his stomach felt sick as he shook violently with rage and sadness.

"I can't explain it. We just seem to work. I feel good with him Keith. I think I'm in love..." His eyes flashed of excitement, he wanted to say it badly. Keith could see this. He had no doubt Shiro would've told him soon. But...the time came and he said it. He meant it didn't he? Keith stared at him like a deer in headlights. His heart yearned for his love to be his. He wanted to say it back, tell Shiro he loved him too...but he knew this isn't where it was going... "I felt like I could be open with him. He helped me when I was in a dark space." Shiro looked at him. 

"Fuck you!" Keith spat, "how dare you talk to me about being in a dark space! How dare you tell me you can be open with a stranger."

"He isn't a stranger!" Shiro's voice was getting loud, he was angry and Keith could feel it, could see it on the mans face.

"I get it okay! I get it! You came back from the dead, you're not truly sure who the hell you are! But don't you think you should've come to talk to me. To the other Paladins! Why are you going off to be with someone you never mentioned once! You left us Shiro! We didn't leave you! I don't know who you are anymore." Keith pushed away, "I don't like this Shiro. I don't. I want the Shiro who was selfless, who was a fighter, who thought of us as a family. Who was my everything..." 

"I'm sorry." Shiro looked at Keith. Keith shook his head looking down. Shiro walked over silently and wrapped Keith's small and trembling frame in his arms, "I'm sorry."

Keith punched the man, his fists pounding into him as he screamed. He didn't know who this man was. 

"Stop..." Shiro's hands stopped Keith's. Keith looked up to see Shiro's grey eyes, those eyes were distant, "I don't know you..." Keith whispered.

Shiro closed his eyes, lost for words.

Keith cupped Shiro's face, causing his distant eyes to peer into his purple eyes. "I don't...who are you..." Keith whispered and brought Shiro's face to his and kissed him. He didn't know why. Maybe it was the frustration trying to find another mean of escaping his body.

Shiro's lips didn't kiss back as he gripped Keith's wrists tight. Keith didn't pull back, he refused Shiro the grace of allowing him to let go. 

Keith pulled back as Shiro let go of his writs and looked at him. Keith looked down, "don't talk to me..." He ran. Just like the night before he ran until he couldn't breath. Until his body gave in and he crashed to the ground. Cosmo came and teleport-ed Keith back into his room and onto the bed. Keith pulled the covers over himself and sobbed. 

He looked at the pillow that had Shiro's pillowcase on it. It lay against the wall. Keith brought it to him and held onto it closing his eyes. Where was the Shiro he loved? Where was the Shiro he knew...


	2. Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish you were here dad…I could really use some advice right now. I don’t know how I’ll be able to sit through the wedding and watch him get married to this guy…
> 
> I’ve lost my home more than once, but this stings…this really hurts…I miss you dad…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It kind of goes with what I wrote in Cut...lol not really any connection but hey, I thought these should all be collected in one work :)

Hey dad…it’s Keith…I uh…I didn’t know where to go. I know it’s late, but I really need someone to talk to. Mum’s off doing good for the universe, the paladins are busy living their lives and Shiro... Well, that’s kind of why I’m here you see.

Shiro’s getting married tomorrow. I know you’re probably thinking to Adam. Guess you’re not caught up hu? Sorry about that.

Adam died a few months back. He was trying to save the world. He was his own kind of hero, and his memory won't be lost...they put his tombstone where Shiro's was...

So yea, then who’s Shiro getting married to? Well don’t congratulate me. Yea…I thought it would end up being the two of us. After everything I’ve done for him and he’s done for me, you’d think…

He got distant. I don’t know why dad…I wish I did.

I guess I was hoping that things would be back to normal when we got the real Shiro back.

I said I loved him. Yea…pretty stupid of me hu? Saying I love him? The funny thing is, he changed when I said that. His eyes flashed of the Shiro’s I know. I was ready to die with him dad...I didn't want to live in this world without him...

When Allura brought him back from the dead, he got a little cranky. Crankier than usual but I let it slide. I don’t know what coming back from the dead is like…

We shared a bed one night. Nothing happened! I wish it did.

It was during our  _road trip_ , Shiro and I were in the black lion.

Mum was programming some new training stimulation while we were trying to get some rest.

I don’t know why I went over to where he was. I kind of pushed myself in that single bed and squeezed by body close to him. I remember him pretending to still be asleep, but I knew he was up.

I wake up at night now…waking up from a dream and feeling like he’s behind me. That warmth…then I turn around and he’s not there. Is that how you felt? When mum was no longer around?

I know going into the bed with him probably wasn’t the wisest decision but, he didn’t kick me out. We were still cool and normal. We were busy on saving the world there really wasn’t time for relationships…We all fought long and hard...

When I awoke in the hospital after a tough battle - A battle where I cradled Shiro in my arm - he didn’t even show up to talk to me... Mum said he never came to my room. He’d only ask for updates.

After Adam died, I thought Shiro would come to me for comfort...it didn't happen. He wasn't even there for me...

I thought maybe he was you know grieving? He had to get things sorted through in his head. How did you grieve over mum’s departure? I got pretty messed up after you died…if it wasn’t for Shiro I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

I don’t blame either of you for leaving me. I know mum was protecting me and you were being a hero. I think I get that from you, stubborn. They say it’s a Galra trait but I think it’s a Kogane thing.

Anyways, when we went back to space to finally put an end to the war, we were so busy dad. Busy being hero's and defending the universe.

It hurt though, when we had free time on Atlas, everyone else was hanging out with friends and having a good time…Shiro was, as I said distant.

He was never seen in the halls. I even went to his room to find it empty, touched but empty.

I sat on his bed dad…I clutched a pillow and held it to my chest and pretended that it was him. I was lonely dad…were you ever lonely? If you were…I know how hurt you probably felt...

I took that pillow sheet…put it on my pillow and put it against the wall and pretended it was his warmth there…man I sound cheesy hu?

For someone who's so serious...a leader of Voltron having this pathetic crush...I put on my game face though when I was needed. I was strong for everyone in the midst of battle. But in the down times, during the quietness of the night…I was weak.

When Shiro pulled me aside the one day, his eyes were happy and he looked like he just couldn’t wait to tell me something.

I didn’t say much before he spilled it, 'I'm in love Keith! And it feels so good.'

I looked at him dad, like a deer in headlights. I didn’t know what to say. I thought he was in love with me! I went to say it back but then he told me about this guy he met on the Atlas, a teacher at the Garrison, who I never had...I didn't know he existed! Like where the hell did he come from! 

I don't get it...When I looked at Shiro...he was happy… Why was he happy and I confused.

Was this who he was spending his time with? Is this why things got distant?

I snapped. I said some pretty mean words. Would it be bad dad…bad to say I don’t regret saying the words I did? I mean, how could he? How could he be so happy when I was so lonely? I felt complete with him…

Guess this other guy changed Shiro’s perspective on life. Made him happy…made him feel like he wasn’t alone...like he was complete...

I don’t get it…how can I feel so complete with him but he doesn’t feel the same way for me? Did I do something wrong?

I wish you were here dad…I could really use some advice right now. I don’t know how I’ll be able to sit through the wedding and watch him get married to this guy…

I’ve lost my home more than once, but this stings…this really hurts…I miss you dad…


	3. Some People Come Into Your Life for a Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance bit his lip, "have you talked to him?"
> 
> Keith shook his head, "no...I guess a small part of me was wanting him to be the one who knocked...but he's probably busy fucking..." He clenched his fists and tried to get the sounds he imagined he made while he was making love to him out of his head.

There was a small knock on the door, probably afraid to awake Keith.

Keith however was up and watched the minutes slowly drag by. It was 4 in the morning and Keith wondered who would be up this late? Well he had two people on his mind but...everyone else he thought would be asleep.

"Keith..." Lance's voice carried through the doors.

Keith stood up from his position on the bed - where he sat for three hours straight - and walked over to the door, opening it to see Lance. 

"I made you a smoothie..." He sheepishly looked at his feet and handed him one.

"Thanks?" Keith let him in as Lance sat down on the bed and dipped his finger in his own smoothie and gave a sad smile, "you're not changed from earlier."

Keith sat down beside him and placed the smoothie on the night stand and undid his bow-tie and tossed it to the ground.

Lance smiled, "I wish Allura was here...today...well yesterday...but..." He looked into his smoothie, "I wonder if she ever went to a wedding..."

Keith looked at Lance, a small tear slipped down from his eyes, tracing his Altean markings and down his cheek.

"She was here Lance." Keith gave him a reassuring smile, "she said she'd always be with you."

Lance smiled and traced his markings, "yea..." Lance looked at Keith, "you okay?"

"Yea? Why wouldn't I be?"

Lance looked at him, silence....a few minutes passed by before Keith looked down at his hands, "no..."

Lance scooted closer, "want to talk about it?"

Keith bit his lip trying to stop the tears, "what's there to talk about?" He gave an awkward laugh.

"Why did you leave early?"

Keith looked at the smoothie on his nightstand and took it, feeling the coldness run through his hands to his saddened heart, "you noticed?"

"Everyone did..." Lance said silently, "they just assumed you got sick or something."

Keith squeezed his eyes, why was it that it was Lance checking in on him and not the man he loves? His hands shook but were stopped with warm hands, "it's okay..."

Keith nodded, "yea..."

They sat silent for a while before Lance spoke up, "do you want me to leave?"

Keith shook his head, "no..." He placed the smoothie back down, "thanks for the thought but I'm not really wanting it."

"That's okay." Lance put his smoothie down on the ground and brought gentle fingers to Keith's top and started to unbutton slowly. It wasn't a mean of being intimate, it was for comfort. Lance didn't know what else to do to help Keith get through the night without playing over and over in his mind of what happened a few hours earlier. He didn't think Keith needed to torture himself with any more than he has.

When the last button was undone Lance got up and went over to the dresser and pulled out a red t-shirt. "Where's Cosmo?" Lance smile and tossed Keith the shirt.

"Cosmo is out hunting. He likes to hunt at night." Keith slipped on the t-shirt, after he kicked off his pants leaving him in his boxers.

"That dog is so weird." Lance smiled. Keith laughed, "not as weird as kaltenecker."

Lance laughed, "okay fair point." He flopped down on the bed next to Keith, "want hot coca instead?" He asked looking at the ceiling.

"No." Keith flopped down and looked at the ceiling. Lance look at Keith, "someone's out there for you."

Keith gave a shaky smile, "thanks..."

Lance bit his lip, "have you talked to him?"

Keith shook his head, "no...I guess a small part of me was wanting him to be the one who knocked...but he's probably busy fucking..." He clenched his fists and tried to get the sounds he imagined he made while he was making love to him out of his head.

"I think it's reasonable for you to think it was him..."

Keith's eyes watered, "I don't know what happened Lance...after we got back to earth I thought things would be okay between us. After Adam died...I thought he was just grieving...but he didn't come when I awoke in the hospital...he never..." 

Lance pulled some tissues out of his housecoat pocket handing them to Keith as they both sat up, "I don't think they're used?"

Keith smiled and took them and wiped his nose and tears, "I don't know Lance...he left me...after all I've done for him...maybe..." Keith shook and Lance held him close, his slender body violently shaking in Lance's tight grasp.

"Maybe I should've let him die." Keith sobbed hard into Lance's neck, his hands clenching onto his housecoat for dear life.

"Keith..." Lance held onto his friend close, "I know I'm probably going to speak out of line...but this Shiro...it's not the one that went up with us in the blue lion...it's not the one that went to Kerberos...this Shiro is a...a Shiro time capsule being opened and only segments of him are there..."

"I told him I loved him Lance! He heard me...he did...and he's not even..." Keith cried.

Lance held onto him, not allowing his friend to be left in the time of hurt, in a vulnerable moment that Keith never would of  showed to anyone.

"I don't care if he's a clone! I don't care if he is a time capsule or if he's the real one! Lance! I just....why! Why did he abandon me!" Keith screamed before falling into Lance's arms like a rag doll, "I never left him..."

Lance ran his hand through Keith's hair, "maybe he allowed you to find you. Being the leader of Voltron after Shiro couldn't be anymore has made you a man that I would've never dreamed of seeing you become. Maybe he...I don't know Keith...I wish I could tell you something..."

Keith whimpered into Lance's ear holding onto Lance until his muscles were sore causing his body to tremble.

"Some people come into your life for a season. Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something, you never have done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy...author unknown."

"I thought though...I thought we would end up together..."

Lance held onto Keith with the same amount of pain and confusion, "I thought that of Allura too..." Tears slipped.

"I'm sorry Lance..."

Lance smiled and shook his head, "it's okay Keith...I can still feel her you know, when I feel the sun on my face. I hear her laugh when I hear the wind. I smell her when I step outside and I smell the flowers...I feel her warmth in bed and I cuddle up in the blankets...it's not the same...but I'll be okay."

Keith's grip was softer on Lance's housecoat, "will I be okay?"

Lance pulled away and looked Keith in his sad eyes, "I want you to be okay."

Keith looked down, "I love him Lance..." a tear managed to slip from his dried eyes. Lance wiped it away with his thumb, "I know Keith...I know." Lance pulled him back into the hug and allowed his tears to shed into the nape of Keith's neck.

"But you don't have to worry...I won't go anywhere...I know you'll be busy being the son of a politician."

Keith smiled, "I'm famous hu?"

"Oh you're like more famous than like anyone." Lance smiled, "you'll be busy helping those who have lost so much to start their lives over. You'll be there for people. And I believe you'll make a long lasting impression. Shiro taught you how to share, to help pick people back up when all was lost. He taught you that. Now you can use what you've learned, learn from your pain to make sure no one ever again needs to feel lost and helpless."

Keith looked at Lance, "is that why you're writing a book about Allura?"

Lance blushed, "well I don't think it'll ever be published..."

"Why won't it?" Keith cocked his head in a questioning manner. Lance smiled, "I suck at writing."

"Get an editor." Keith smiled. Lance gave a small chuckle, "I guess you're right about that. Think Pidge would edit it?"

Keith smiled, "I'm sure Pidge would."

Lance got up, "okay. Well." He ran his hand through his hair, "guess I should go. You're feeling better yea?"

Keith nodded, "in a sense...but..."

Lance looked at Keith as he turned his gaze to the ground, "can you stay the night?"

Lance looked at Keith confused, "stay?"

"We aren't going to be fucking Lance."

Lance laughed and got back onto the bed and moved over for Keith's body to lay next to him.

"Lance..." Keith turned the lamp off leaving them in the darkness.

"Yes?"

"Do you think...do you think..."

"What?"

"That Shiro ever loved me the same way I loved him?"

"I have no doubt Keith."

Keith nodded and turned his back to Lance and held onto the blankets tight. "Thanks..."

"you're welcome Mullet."

Keith smiled as small tears fell silently, he was going to make it.


	4. The Ritual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He got onto Shiro’s lap and held his face in his hands, watching the tears slip. His cheeks became damp, as his own tears slipped. Why, Keith didn’t know.

                                                                                                                                                                      

It became something of a ritual that always began faithfully at zero one hundred hours. It wasn’t shared with anyone else but the two souls that were involved.

To ask how it started there wouldn’t be a reason to say. If it will end, that’s still uncertain. Maybe the two souls involved didn’t want it to end, even though their stomachs would be filled with regret in the morning.

One of them thinks it’s possibly a dream. Something of his imagination, a desire of his heart. The warmth felt real, the dip the bed made when the other was there, the silent breathing late into the early morning. 

Every time at zero three hundred hours, the bed would be empty, the sheets would be warm but then cold when Keith would awake once more later on. A dream?

To say why the other soul came at this time faithfully was a question…that’s if he really did come into the night.

It started off innocently. A place where the two of them sat silent, not a word spoken for the three hours shared. Keith would look at his hands, Shiro would pick at his nails making them raw and bleed. Keith could see Shiro bring his fingers up to his lips and suck the blood as he gnawed even more at the skin he picked.

Keith would keep silent, not sure what to say. They barley spoke anymore, they never looked at each other. Keith didn’t know what to say or how to act. He was sure Shiro felt the same way. The silence between them kept them apart…the silence trapped Keith’s feelings, and he wondered if it trapped Shiro’s too.

Keith rarely came to visit anymore at the Garrison. It started off as once every week, and every night that Keith came, Shiro would be there and sit.

When the weeks turned into a week once a month, Shiro still came every night, though the ritual would change. Keith would be awake with wondering thoughts running through his mind. The lonely in his heart kept him up. His prayers would be recited, asking for Shiro’s return. The bed would dip every night and Shiro would lay his body on the top of the covers, next to Keith, his back to him. No one spoke, no one moved.

When the weekly visits became once a week every second month, the ritual changed again. Keith awoke to be surprised to have Shiro’s body next to him on the small bed, this time his body under the covers. Keith wanted to speak, to say something but he didn’t know what.

But like many nights before, when Keith awoke Shiro was gone, the bed cold. Keith tried to watch, wait for him to leave. To convince himself this was happening but…he always fell asleep.

Tonight, Keith promised himself he would watch. He would see Shiro come and go.

He sat up - the light on - as he watched the clock. It was almost zero one-hundred hours, almost time for the ritual to begin. The door opened and Shiro looked shocked to see Keith sitting up, looking at him. Keith wanted to speak but his voice was lost, like he didn’t know how to speak when Shiro was around.

Shiro stood at the door, wearing a grey tank top and red checkered pajama pants. They just stared at each other, like two people who didn’t know each other. Strangers.

Shiro looked tempted to leave but he instead forced himself to walk over to the bed and sat down. Keith crawled over and sat, placing his cheek on Shiro’s shoulder and closed his eyes. He should tell Shiro to go be with Curtis…he should’ve said these words many times but he didn’t want to. He was selfish when it came to Shiro’s heart. A selfishness that ruined their relationship. But Keith made a promise many years ago, a promise he wondered if Shiro had remembered. Keith would wait for Shiro, always. He’d always be there for him, as many times as it takes.

Now there was no doubt that Shiro loved Curtis. Keith would see the two of them in the halls and they looked like they were young lovers. Lovers who had the world to yet explore with each other. Keith’s heart wanted Shiro to be happy, and he tried hard to be selfless for his friend…for the one he loved. But he knew Shiro could see the rage and anger Keith held towards him…and that pushed them away from each other.

~~~

Keith felt a drop of a tear fall on his cheek, a tear that was probably not supposed to be shed…not until the lights were off. Keith sat up and brought Shiro’s head down into his chest and held him. Shiro held onto Keith’s shoulders and cried.

Keith kept silent, as he held him close. He didn’t want to speak, he was scared that if he did Shiro would leave. Keith was done running from him, he was tired of it. He wondered if Shiro was tired to…

Again, at zero three hundred hours Shiro got up and walked out. Not a word or a look shared. Keith looked down at his wet shirt from Shiro’s tears and spoke a silent promise into the night. He was going to let Shiro go. He couldn’t run anymore. He couldn’t fight any longer. It was time that he moved on and allowed Shiro the grace to live his life with the one he loves.

~~~

Keith walked down the hallway he’s walked many times before. This time it was different. This time would be the last. This was the end, Keith would no longer come back to visit.

He stood at the door, his toes touching it. His face inches from it. If someone was to open it, they’d be standing literally face to face with Keith.

He took a deep breath and rested his head against the coolness of the door, listening…praying even…He had to break his promise. This was the only way to make things right. He couldn’t live with himself knowing he was the reason Shiro and him were no longer friends…no longer each others everything. But Keith stopped his thought…was Keith ever Shiro’s everything?

He closed his eyes and pounded his fist on the door. He knew the answer. No.

Shiro made Keith his personal project. A protégée that would take after him once he was gone. Shiro even told Keith ‘I want you to be the leader of Voltron if I don’t make it’.  Keith was nothing more than someone to walk in Shiro’s footsteps.

Yes, Shiro said he would never give up on Keith, but was it for his own selfish reasons? Keith’s heart ached and he felt sick. What if he was right? Keith didn’t mean anything to the man he loved…ever.

Tears slipped as he pounded on the door screaming before his knees gave to and he fell to the ground, surrendering to the feeling of sorrow.

~~~

Keith walked into the darkness of his room. The last time he would step foot into this room. He took his shirt off and threw it onto the floor and stretched. He looked at the time and his heart stopped. It was zero one hundred hours.

Slowly he walked over to the bed, his gaze to the floor. He gently sat down on the bed and turned around and reached out – eyes staying closed – he reached and touched Shiro’s arm, “Shiro…” Keith breathed.

“Keith.”

Keith leapt forward and buried his face into Shiro’s neck, holding onto him like it was his first time. Holding on like a child. Keith breathed in the sweetness of Shiro’s scent. It smelt like chai and cheap after shave. A scent he never wanted to forget. It was home. Keith’s heart ached more…he was going to be leaving his home.

Keith pushed Shiro down onto the bed and crawled onto him. Both of their breaths heavy. Both set of eyes staring at each other. Keith straddled Shiro’s waist and ran his fingers delicately on Shiro’s chest, almost as if he was afraid that he would break his skin if he touched to hard.

Shiro pulled Keith down and held him to his chest, his fingers combing Keith’s gym hair out. No one spoke.

And Shiro left like he always did when it was time for the ritual to end.

~~~

Keith rested his cheek on Shiro’s broad shoulder silently cursing to himself. He should’ve left yesterday. Why did he stay another night?

“I need to go tomorrow…and I don’t think I’m coming back.” Keith spoke into the darkness, wondering if Shiro was awake or not.

“Stay a while longer please.”

Shiro knew Keith’s intentions were to leave for good.

“I can’t…”

“Please. Until we can both say goodbye…until we are sure it’s the end.”

Keith closed his eyes and buried his face into Shiro’s neck taking in the scent of home.

Keith ran his hand down Shiro’s arm and found his hand. He gently propped Shiro’s strong and rough fingers apart and inserted his delicate and small hand in. “How long will that be…” Keith breathed.

“I don’t know…” Shiro answered truthfully. “Maybe tomorrow…”

Keith nodded, “okay.”

Again, when the time came Shiro left.

~~~

Tonight, was different. Keith could feel it in the air. Keith was almost terrified to face the reality that it may be the last night. If this was the last night, they’d ever see each other…Keith would know it was, right?

Keith looked up at Shiro, his chin resting on his chest. “Shiro.” Keith stated. “Are you ready to say goodbye?” He whispered.

Shiro ran his hand through Keith’s hair, “Yes.”

Keith closed his eyes and turned his face to listen to Shiro’s heart beat. The rhythm counting down the minutes until it was time for Shiro to leave. Leave Keith forever.

Shiro went to sit up. Keith got off and allowed him to.

“Come here.” Shiro whispered. Keith crawled over to Shiro and sat in his lap. He was ashamed of being so intimate with Shiro, knowing fully well lay Curtis somewhere waiting for Shiro to return. Did Curtis know where Shiro went every night? What would he say? Keith felt sick, he really had a way of ruining people’s lives didn’t he.

“I’m sorry…” Keith looked down, a tear sliding down.

“For what?”

“For causing you grief…Shiro…you’re happy and I’m not. I made it my number one plan to ruin your happiness…you don’t deserve that…you deserve so much more.” More tears dripped onto Shiro’s chest. “I’ve been so selfish…Shiro…you deserve happiness and you found it in Curtis! I should’ve told you to leave…” Keith punched Shiro’s chest and cried, “I’m sorry!”

Shiro pulled Keith in, his arms wrapping tightly around, allowing Keith to sob. The only sound was of Keith’s muffled cries and Shiro’s unwavering breath in Keith’s ear.

“Please…Shiro…what am I to you.” Keith looked up his eyes wet with the tears. His eyes peering up at the man he once loved. Eyes that would take in Shiro’s face one more time and lock it somewhere safe. Somewhere far away…a place where he could keep him hidden.

Shiro looked down into Keith’s eyes, silence.

“Am I less than a friend to you? Was I just a project for you?”

“What? Keith, what are you talking about?” Shiro questioned his voice hush.

“Was I just a project? Did you just take pity on me because you saw greatness in me? Someone who would achieve greater things when you’ve passed…”

Shiro sat silent, looking into Keith’s eyes. What was he thinking? Was Keith right and Shiro didn’t know how to respond? Or was Keith so out of it that Shiro had to control himself from laughter.

“No.” Shiro lifted Keith’s face up with a delicate touch as a tear slipped from Keith’s eyes and down his cheek to find itself in the palm of Shiro’s hand.

“Then what am I!” Keith cried and buried himself into Shiro’s grasp and sobbed, “what am I to you…” His voice cracked, his body gave a slight tremor that Shiro couldn’t even stop.

“You’re much more than that Keith.” Shiro said silently. His hand ran through Keith’s hair and cupped Keith’s face, forcing the man to look up at him. “So much more.” He breathed and brought his nose to Keith’s. Silence.

No one spoke. No one moved. Their breaths warm on each others lips. Their bodies intimately close on the small bed.

In the corner of Keith’s eye he saw the clock turn. Zero three hundred hours. Shiro was supposed to get up. He was supposed to leave and slip into the bed where Curtis lay asleep, unaware that his lover was gone. But the minutes passed and Shiro didn’t move. His eyes still looking into Keith’s.

“You should…” Keith’s words were stopped when warm lips met his, the taste of salt met Keith’s lips. Shiro’s tears.

Keith held onto Shiro, wrapping his arms around his neck as he straddled the man. He shouldn’t, he had to let Shiro go…but Shiro’s tears became his own, as his eyes began to water once more.

Shiro’s hands found their way to Keith’s face and tilted their heads as his tongue met Keith’s. Both of their bodies ached, longed to be held by each other. It wasn’t realized how hidden the two of them kept this until Keith found himself ripping off his and Shiro’s pants, eager to intertwine his body with Shiro’s.

Keith as long as he could remember always wondered what it would be like to be Shiro’s lover. Was Shiro a giver and kissed his lovers’ feet, worshiping his every move. Was Shiro demanding and order the one he loved around. Order him with the intentions to make it a night he wouldn't forget?

What would it be liked to be touched by Shiro? Would he make Keith whimper like a dog and beg for more? Would he leave Keith breathless and begging at his feet to finish him? Would he scream louder than ever when Shiro got himself deep within Keith’s untouched body. Would Shiro’s lips find their ways to places that only Keith dreamed of someone to explore. What would it be like…Like the virgin that he still was, tried to hide the shame as he looked at Shiro’s hardening member.

Ashamed, frazzled and confused, Keith blushed. Shiro saw the redness spread across Keith’s cheeks and lifted his face away from it’s gaze, “we can stop.”

Keith looked at Shiro and crawled on him and rested his head on his chest closing his eyes, “you should go…” He kissed the man again. “Come back tomorrow.” He breathed. Shiro nodded, looking Keith in his eyes for a minute before getting up to dress.

He left.

Keith sat still on the bed, naked and still very hard. Why did he stop this? He looked down in shame. If he was the reason that Curtis and Shiro divorced…

~~~

Hunger, lust, guilt and shame filled the room. Two bodies, two aching hearts and two wandering hands. The space between them non-existent. Their breaths as one as they with hunger, kissed each other’s open mouths.

Tongues exploring each other’s mouths. Keith closed his eyes trying to catch his breath. He wanted more. So much more, he didn’t know how to contain himself.

He pushed Shiro down and kissed his body from his neck down. Kissing every curve of his well-defined abdomen. His kisses were sloppy and wet. He could see the trail of kisses glistening in the small glow of the room. He didn’t want Shiro to get turned off by the fact Keith was still a virgin. He wanted to prove to Shiro he knew what he was doing. So, he looked up at Shiro who, looked down at him, a small smile – a smile Keith hadn’t seen in a very long time – was seen.

Keith smiled and with fluid movements slid down Shiro’s pants. He tried to still his hands from their tremble. But no matter how hard he tried, they wouldn’t stop. He prayed that Shiro wouldn’t notice, but he did. When Keith tossed his own pants to the ground Shiro took Keith’s hands in his and kissed each finger gently, before placing a lasting kiss on his palms.

Keith caressed Shiro’s face, feeling the dampness on his cheeks. Keith’s expression went sad as he wiped the tears away. Shiro nuzzled his face into Keith’s hand, eyes closed and his face relaxed. Did he feel safe? What was he thinking? Keith wanted to know.

He got onto Shiro’s lap and held his face in his hands, watching the tears slip. His cheeks became damp, as his own tears slipped. Why, Keith didn’t know.

Shiro grasped Keith’s curved ass and squeezed them, feeling the flesh in his fingers. Keith let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He buried his face deep within the crevasse of Shiro’s neck, allowing his tears to wet the skin.

Keith gasped and bit down onto Shiro’s delicate skin as a sensation he hadn’t ever been exposed to, was felt from beneath. Shiro’s talented fingers found their way to Keith’s untouched hole. He felt like a child grasping onto Shiro like this. But he felt safe…even if the sensation didn’t feel too good.

Shiro kissed Keith’s head and found his way to his ear and gently kissed it, burring his nose deep into Keith’s long locks.

Keith wrapped his arms around Shiro and held on and slowly lifted himself off Shiro’s fingers, “get me ready…” Keith silently pleaded.

Shiro nodded and gently got himself out from underneath Keith and walked over to his sweater that was draped over the chair. Keith’s heart pounded as he watched Shiro pull the lube from the pocket. He didn’t move for a few minutes as he just stood there, looking at the bottle.

Keith got up and went behind him, wrapping his arms underneath his armpits and rested his palms on Shiro’s pecs. He pressed his body against Shiro’s back. Feeling Shiro’s skin on his aching cock made him whimper into Shiro’s shoulder blade.

Shiro turned around and lifted Keith’s face to his and kissed him. Keith jumped up wrapping his legs around Shiro. It felt right…oddly enough. Shiro held onto Keith and walked them to the bed and laid Keith down, kissing his body the way Keith did to him a few minutes before.

Keith squeezed his eyes shut and tried to envision Shiro’s lips kissing his skin as his lips found their way to Keith’s cock. He with gentle kisses, began to kiss his length.

Keith bit his lip. The warmth of Shiro’s lips was better than imagined. But eagerness and shame overtook him. He just wanted to tell Shiro to just get on with the fucking, that he wanted Shiro to be the one to do the honors in taking his virginity.

“Shiro…” Keith whined.

Shiro looked up, “we can stop.”

Keith shook his head, “no…just…fuck me…” Keith looked at him, his eyes hungry. As much as he would love it if Shiro took his time with Keith’s body, he didn’t feel right to allow Shiro to do this…not with Curtis still around.

Shiro nodded, “how do you want it?”

Keith sat up, “like we were before. I want to be in your lap.” Keith said with his small voice. These words sounded dirty. But he felt like he could trust Shiro with these words. These words that were only ever going to be shared between the two of them.

Shiro nodded, “let’s get you lubed up then.”

Keith got on all fours and stuck his butt in the air and buried his face in the blankets. He never had felt so vulnerable before. His body naked and exposed to Shiro. Exposed to a married man…exposed to someone he loved. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hide the tears that were slipping. Trying to hide the shame he felt.

But his body relaxed when he felt the coolness of the lube get massaged onto his hole. Shiro’s fingers were shaking. They weren’t strong, it was like he wasn’t sure of himself.

“It’s okay.” Keith looked up and over his shoulder, “it’s okay.”

Shiro nodded and looked at him, “you’re good.”

Keith nodded and allowed Shiro to get down before he straddled him again. It felt cold when Shiro spread Keith’s cheeks. Keith whimpered at the sensation, wanting it to feel warm.

“Slowly.” Shiro breathed as Keith lowered his body down. Inch by inch. Keith beard his teeth into Shiro’s shoulders. Hissing at the pain.

Shiro’s gentle hands never left Keith’s ass as he helped him take in the length of him. When Keith’s insides took Shiro’s length fully, he sat still. His own whimpering was the only thing to be heard in the small room.

Shiro ran his hands up Keith’s sweating back, to his head to pulled him away from his shoulder and kiss him.

Keith held onto Shiro’s face for life. He wasn’t going to let him go until this was done. He slowly moved his hips, trying to adjust to the pain within his groin. He whimpered silent cries into Shiro’s mouth. Cries only the two of them could hear.

Shiro brought his strong hands to Keith’s ass again and helped him move. Together. Keith closed his eyes and lifted his head up to the sky and allowed the sensation to burn through his body. Allowed this intimate moment to make his stomach feel sick. He knew this was wrong but it felt too good.

He looked into Shiro’s eyes, his hands on his face as he moved. Shiro looked at him. Their gaze never leaving each other.

Sweat dripped from Keith’s brow.

With lips inches apart, praises escaped in whispers from Shiro’s mouth and into Keith’s.

After a few minutes, Keith’s calves and groin burned. His breathing became hasty.

“Relax. Let me finish you.” Shiro whispered. Keith nodded and stopped, allowing Shiro to finish. With strong thrusts Shiro was able to pound himself into Keith. The bed creaked from the force of his body, from the momentum the two of them had created.

Keith cried out to the heavens as he felt his insides being torn. Tears slipped from his eyes in pain. He wanted it to end…but he didn’t…He looked at Shiro, his eyes wet with tears. His eyes wild with pain. His heart beating for Shiro’s love.

“Scream Keith.” Shiro whispered into his ear, “scream.” He pleaded.

Keith nodded closing his eyes, and screamed. He screamed and cursed Shiro’s name. Until his body went tense and his vision went white. He screamed louder than ever into the heavens as his climax painted the skin in front of him.

His body went slack after the orgasm and his breath was hard to catch. He buried his face into the nape of Shiro’s neck crying. He wrapped his arm around Shiro’s neck, his fingers finding their way into his hair and, he held on.

Shiro had climaxed shortly after Keith which was enough to send him over the edge. To feel himself getting Shiro’s seed so far deep, to feel his stomach get warm from the seed Shiro gave.

When it all came to an end, Keith lifted himself up, feeling Shiro leave his body. He clenched hard and begged Shiro to stay in. He cursed the seed that escaped him and dripped wet onto Shiro’s lap and the sheets.

Shiro kissed Keith’s cheek, ear and neck as Keith silently sobbed. Their bodies warm, sticky and lonely…longing…ashamed.

Shiro kept his lips to Keith’s head and buried his face deep within Keith’s hair and sobbed.

~~~

Keith walked out of the Garrison, his gaze to the ground. He didn’t want to watch the faces he adored disappear out of his life. He was leaving, and this was goodbye forever.

He stopped, his feet almost to his jet to hear his name being called.

He turned around to see Shiro standing there. Something brown was wrapped and in his hands. He walked over and handed it to Keith.

Keith felt the paper in his hands, the weight of it was enough for him to question what it was.

“Goodbye.” Shiro said ignoring his question.

Keith looked up to see Shiro’s beautiful grey eyes looking at him. He walked closer to him and smiled, “smile.”

Shiro smiled, keeping his gaze on Keith.

“Goodbye Keith.”

“Goodbye Takashi.” Keith smiled and pulled him into a hug and buried his face into him, taking in the scent he loved. The scent he wanted to remember. Home. Shiro. Love. Safety.

Keith pulled back and walked over to his jet and got in. He waved to Shiro before he took off. No more words to be said between the two.

~~~

It was zero one hundred hours and Keith sat up expecting to see Shiro standing at the door, or to feel his body next to him. Nothing…He turned the light on and grabbed the package Shiro had given him before he left.

He ran his hands over the brown paper as he gently tore it. Inside was a photo album. Keith looked at it and ran his fingers over the words, ‘Keith & Shiro ~ Paladins of Voltron~’ Keith opened the book, careful not to ruin the pages and looked down.

Images of the two of them were placed with care on the pages. Keith bit his lip as he flipped through all of the pages. At the end there in Shiro’s printing read:

‘As Many Times as it Takes.’

Keith clutched the book to his chest and cried.

It was zero three hundred hours and Keith awoke and ran his hand over the sheets beside him. Cold. Untouched.

Keith closed his eyes, “goodbye Shiro.”


End file.
